Capt. Conan O’Kirk!
Kirk is always looking for ways to get in good with Jesus…and now he thinks he’s found it—a makeover: Conan Style!
Kirk locked himself in the bathroom for hours, which is nothing new (the man has serious digestive issues!). But then he came out sporting his new Conan-do. Freaked me the hell out! Jesus was speechless. Not sure if that is a good thing or bad thing. Stay tuned…
love it!!!!
Kirk’s TJ Hooker Audition Tape.
About a month ago, Kirk told us he wanted to send a “blind” audition tape to the producers of the movie TJ Hooker. He was still pissed he was squeezed out of the whole Twilight series and felt that if he had auditioned…he “would have beaten out Kristen Stewart for sure.” Apparently, he played a vampire-like creature once and “nailed it”. O-kay. For those of you who can’t remember or just aren’t fans of crap TV, TJ Hooker was a cop show in the 80’s starring none other than William Shatner (and his awesome hairpiece). And basically, every episode Hooker ended up on the hood of a car.
Jesus and I said we’d help and we immediately went about trying to give the tape some pizazz. Let’s face it, Kirk ain’t exactly the greatest actor on the planet, so we knew we needed to pull focus away from him. Just how do you DE-emphasize the very thing you are trying to show off? Well, that was a problem.
That’s when Jesus came up with the idea of Sabotage.
On Friday, the producers sent back the tape with a note basically saying thanks but no thanks. It was addressed to Kirk CAMERON! Neither Jesus nor myself have the heart to tell him.
Animal House on St Patrick’s Day.
Kirk invented a new drink called the MickRita. Tequila, beer, lime juice and more beer. Yup, it’s as good as it sounds. Then add to that, the essence of Kirk’s pants and the wood from the Irish Flag and you’ve got yourself a recipe for a St. Patty’s Day you’ll never forget. But right now—before Kirk gets all MickDrunk and starts singing Chumbawamba’s “I get Knocked Down” over and over and over again…and then MickBarfs over everything—we are as happy as we’ve ever been. Erin Go Bragh!
Ha! MickBarf…been there…done that!
New York City. Kirk’s Nephew Sebastian.
You’ll probably never find three guys that know less about babies than we do. Exhibit One: we brought hand sanitizer as a baby gift! It was Kirk’s idea but Jesus and I didn’t argue. I’m pretty sure Kirk’s sister was insulted but she said thank you anyway.
Check out old Jesus. While Kirk and I are watching the baby laugh and stuff everything he can into his mouth, Jesus is eyeballing Mom. Look at him! It’s like he’s never seen a woman before. And he kept saying stuff like, “Hey the baby looks hungry…you should feed him.” He even asked, “Got milk?” TWICE. It was embarrassing.
It was all too much for Kirk, who fell asleep faster than the baby. Jesus left early because he was pissed that Mom “breast pumped” before we got there. I’m telling you the guy has some serious Mother issues.
Hanging out with a baby is a lot like watching an infomercial: you start out convinced this thing is not for you, but you keep on watching. You don’t need that, you think. Hell, you already can do all the things it does. Then something happens. Somewhere, somehow, the pitch hooks into you. Suddenly you’re thinking, how have I lived my life without that? The next thing you know you’re in a Snuggie cleaning off a counter with your ShamWow and wondering how much a Chinese baby would run you.
The circle of life, man…it is weird.
New York City.
We’re in a place called Brooklyn, which is kind of like New York—except that instead of tall buildings and Wall Street douches, it’s full of guys wearing odd-looking hats and facial hair (hipsters, Hasidic Jews…take your pick) and all the women are pushing around babies. Jesus and I fit right in but Kirk stuck out like a sore thumb. Luckily, he had a “ghetto pass”, his sister had a baby—so nobody hassled us.
Jesus said that every time he comes to New York, he always feels kind of sad and he never really knows why. “I know it’s stupid,” Jesus said as he stared at Manhattan, “but I can’ help but think of all the people living lives way better than mine.”
Ouch. Like I’ve said a dozen times, no one can punch you in the gut like old Jesus.
We looked at the buildings a little bit longer. And I started to feel like crap. Thanks Jesus.
Finally Kirk said, “I don’t know. I can’t think of any place I’d rather be than with you guys, right here, right now.” Sure it was gay and sappy and corny and all that and more. But damn if I didn’t see Jesus crack a smile.
Just when we needed it the most—Kirk to the rescue!
;-)
The Matrix. I’m The Agent. Jesus is Trinity. Kirk is Neo.
You might notice that Jesus isn’t using a gun. He hates them; and even if he didn’t, it’s not like we have one just laying around the house. That’s a fish. Jesus is blowing me away with a fish. He’s not too comfortable working with props.
Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin Eve.
Goodbye 200fucking9!
So Jesus has been bummed out all week. I get it: Christmas time is not Jesus time!
For anyone, having your birthday on Christmas sucks. But for Jesus, his birthday IS Christmas (and he never lets us forget it!). And then to top it all off, his birthday is the basis for the whole Western Calendar. So every time Jesus looks at any date, like on a newspaper or receipt, it’s an immediate reminder of how old he is. That’s got to be tough. But at the same time, he’s been going through this for a couple of thousand years. How much advance warning do you need?
We thought Dick Clark would cheer him up but the poor guy is still recovering from his stroke and nothing makes you feel old and in the shitter like watching a guy with multiple face lifts slur his way around a countdown. I mean the guy went front “13” to “10”!
Then they switched to Seacrest. Everybody gives old Ryan a tough time but I like him. He’s just funny enough to make you smile and it’s a good bet he’ll say at least two stupid things an hour and then crack on himself for it. I love it when he tries to out bitch Juliana on E! news.
Fergie was hosting from Las Vegas. I don’t know what it is but her face is weird. Really weird. Something is not right about it but I can’t figure out what. Even Jesus agrees that she has a rockin bod but her face “has serious issues.” Some scientists from NIH should do some lab work on her and figure out what the hell is going on there. Kirk says that her real name is Edward Estevez and that she’s Emilio’s long lost retarded brother who just happens to be a great dancer. And looking at her then, I really couldn’t argue one bit.
Then the horror show continued as Dick Clark and some chick that may or may not have been his wife (I said nurse. Jesus said older cousin.) made out geriatric style. It was like watching two paramecium mate! That really depressed Jesus.
Pineapple Express. Jesus is Gary Cole. Kirk is Seth Rogen.
This is probably one of Jesus’ favorite movies. Every time he cleans the windows (usually Tuesdays), he pulls the Windex trigger and says, “They picked on the wrong melon farmers.” Then he sprays the window and in a high-pitched voice says, “Thug life.”
